


What Fears May Come (Alt 3x02)

by vox_ex



Series: Supergirl Redux [3]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Big Sister Alex Danvers, Big Sister Maggie Sawyer, Danvers Sisters, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Lena knows Kara is Supergirl but Kara doesn't realize it, The family we choose, protective Alex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-02-26 07:16:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13230702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vox_ex/pseuds/vox_ex
Summary: An alternative take on the episode "Triggers". What if Kara wasn't the only one who is targeted by Psi? What does Lena fear the most, and what what happens if she remembers it? Can Alex and Maggie help keep everyone together?Lena knows Kara is Supergirl but Kara doesn't realize it.





	1. what fears may come

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new story for a new year. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Lena stumbles backward as the world tilts sideways. 

A sharp pain forces a hand to her head as her eyes blink rapidly trying to adjust to the light. 

_What the hell is going on? ___

____

__

_Where is she? ___

____

____

She had been going to the bank. 

She remembers the fight in her office, her frustration at Kara’s refusal to tell her the truth — to let her help. 

She remembers insisting they go together to interview her source, remembers Kara’s reluctant smile and her obvious pain. 

Kara. She has to find Kara.

She tries to look around, but everything is shifting in and out of focus. 

She closes her eyes, trying to remember anything else as the images around her continue to blur. 

It comes in flashes. 

Shouts. 

Panic. 

Fear gripping her chest. 

Kara stepping in front of her. 

Kara, not Supergirl.

Lena opens her eyes again, the memories replaced by static silence and vacant greys. 

Dim lights illuminate the space around her. 

The acrid smell of blood and gunpowder fills the air and drops of crimson stain the floor at her feet. 

She feels the cool metal of a gun in her hand. 

An unexpected noise from behind startles her, and she turns, gun raised, the sudden movement bringing back the dizziness and ringing in her ears. 

Her breath catches in her throat at the sight of her mother, a cold dead stare in her eyes and a sadistic smile on her face. 

Lena’s finger flinches on the trigger for just a second before her eyes shift to the floor between them. 

The image of Kara, trembling and pale, lying in a pool of blood fills her vision. 

Lena stumbles forward without thinking, her feet barely staying under her long enough as she falls on her knees next to Kara. 

Lena’s hands flitter uselessly and wasted seconds pass as her brain struggles to catch up with the sight of her best friend bleeding out in front of her. 

She can hear Kara’s desperate attempts to fill her lungs with air, see the rapid rise and fall of her chest as her body desperately tries to replace the blood it is losing. 

Kara’s eyes fix upward, unfocused, not even registering the pain that must come as Lena's hands try desperately to apply pressure to the wound on her chest.

“No, no, no…. Kara please, Kara you have to stay with me.”

Lena presses harder still as tears cloud her vision and warm crimson stains her hands. 

Kara’s eyes squeeze shut with the added pressure, her rapid breaths becoming shallow gasps. 

Lena watches as hazy blue eyes open again, this time finding her own. 

A smile ghosts across Kara’s face, and as firmly as it can, her hand wraps around Lena’s wrist. 

Lena knows she is suffocating in her own blood. 

She knows there is nothing she can do

But even as Kara tells her silently to let go, even as her heart slows under her hands, Lena holds onto her disillusioned hope. 

“No dammit. Don’t you dare. Come on.”

Kara’s mouth opens and closes, her chest barely rising. 

The words are muddled and quiet, forcing their way between the last desperate breaths of her blood-filled lungs. 

“I-I’m sorry…I broke, broke my prom-promise…I don’t wa-ant, to… want to leave.”

She finds Kara’s eyes one more time, and even now, even here, they are the most striking shade of blue she’s ever seen. 

Lena feels Kara’s hand loosen from her wrist, watches as it finally falls away. 

She looks at her own hands, at the blood they couldn’t contain. Her chest heaves with anger and grief. 

Picking up the gun, she staggers to her feet, her hands shaking with the effort it takes to keep it level as she points it at her mother. 

Lillian looks down at Kara, expressionless. “She wasn’t who you thought she was.”

Lena takes a step closer her voice encumbered with rage “Don’t; you don’t get to talk about her”

Lillian doesn’t move. Doesn’t even try to defend herself. “She was a liar. She was using you.”

Lena’s finger tightens on the trigger. “You don’t know anything.”

Lillian moves closer, mocking her. “She didn’t trust you with the truth. Why would she? You were nothing but a Luthor to her. And what’s worse, you know now she was right.”

Lillian steps forward again. “You can feel it now can’t you, everything you’ve tried to hold back. It’s time to accept your fate daughter.”

Lena takes the remaining steps in quick succession until the barrel of the gun is resting against the center of her mother’s chest. “I’m going to kill you!”

The sound of slow, exaggerated claps fills the air and Lena freezes when she recognizes the voice that accompanies it. 

“There she is.” 

Lena keeps the gun level on her mother as she turns to face her brother. 

“There’s the Lena I’ve been waiting for.” 

Lena watches as Lex kneels on the floor next to Kara’s body, pushing the hair away from her face almost tenderly. 

She shifts the gun toward her brother. “Don’t touch her.”

He only smiles at her and moves his hands to Kara’s chest. “It’s time you realized who you really are.”

Lena watches silently as he unbuttons the front of Kara’s shirt, revealing the blood-stained emblem underneath. 

“It’s just such a shame it took you so long. We could have done some many great things by now had you only come around sooner.” 

Lex stands up gesturing to the gun in her hands. “Had you only known your true potential.” 

Filled with a sudden, aching terror, Lena looks at the gun in her hands and for the first time notices the subtle green tint at the end of the barrel. 

The harsh sound of metal meeting concrete reverberates through the empty room as the gun falls to the floor beside her. 

She drops to her knees, tears falling down her face as silent sobs wrack her body and she stares at her hands still coated in Kara’s blood. 

Her brother crouches in front of her, his rough hands drawing her chin up forcefully so that she is looking him in the eye. “Now, now. There’s no reason to cry, dear sister. There’s nothing left to hold you back now.” 

Lena chokes back her tears and the bile rising in her throat. “I will never help you.”

Lex holds her jaw steady with his hand as he turns her head toward Kara’s body.

“you already have.” 

Lena feels herself fall back on her heels, her body laden with hatred and guilt as everything fades away. 

\---- ---- ---- ----

The blinding pain in her head returns and with it a cacophony of sounds. 

She opens her eyes expecting dim lights and blank walls. 

But it’s brighter here, louder, and the winter air is cold against her skin as it comes through the open doors

Out of her the confusion, the world rights itself. 

it wasn’t real, and she isn’t there. 

Her mother is gone, Lex is gone, Kara is…. 

Kara. 

Lena draws her hands in front of her, and immediately her panicked thoughts become panicked words as the lingering scent of copper hangs in the air. 

“No, no. It can’t be real; it can’t be real.” 

Her breaths come in rapid succession as she tries to wipe the blood from her hands. 

Another voice interjects her own “It’s not Lena, It’s not real. It's not.”

And she thinks it’s a lie. It has to be a lie because there’s still blood on her hands, Kara’s blood. 

But the voice repeats its reassurances and something about it is calm, and familiar, and forces her attention. 

“Lena. Lena. You have to look at me okay. You cut your hands on some broken glass. I promise you’re safe; Kara’s safe. I’ve got you. Just breathe. It’s all over. “

Lena focuses on the words. On the glittering remains of glass than litter her palms. On the sharp sting of pain and the fresh drops of blood that comes when as she flexes her fingers. 

Blood. 

Her blood. 

Not Kara’s. 

Kara is safe. 

Kara isn’t dead.

When she finally looks up, Alex is kneeling in front of her, her hands gently grasping her wrists, so she doesn’t make the cuts any worse. 

But Lena pushes away. 

The feeling of Alex’s hands, the reminder of Kara’s is too much. 

Because even if it’s over, even if it was never true, she finds herself desperate for forgiveness. 

Alex’s hands move toward her again, waiting for permission. 

Lena gives in, pleading to forget. 

“Get it off. Please, Alex. Please just get it off. Please. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Follow up? ... Let me know.


	2. to hide away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all for reading and leaving feedback. Sorry for the belated follow-up, but it took soooo much longer than I thought it would to figure out the character arc and structure and I’m still not sure it’s quite there. Here goes nothing…

Light filters through the haze of dust as muffled cries and broken prayers strain themselves to be heard above the grating sound of shattered glass beneath Alex’s feet.

She watches paramedics struggle to calm those still huddled on the floor warring with themselves over what is real and imagined. She sees officers usher out others who can only follow blindly in relief.

It’s a scene that seems altogether disconnected from itself, and she should have expected it. Maggie had warned her of the chaos, of the panic and confusion left behind. She had seen traces of it yesterday in Kara’s haunted eyes and heard it echoed in her unsteady voice.

She should have expected it, but she isn’t sure she could have ever imagined it.

Her steps are deliberate and measured as she makes her way further inside, but it isn’t until she hears her name in the familiar cadence of Maggie’s voice as it rises above the room’s surreal din that she is shaken from the confines of her thoughts.

“Danvers!”

Her attention shifts and her steps quicken when she sees Maggie barely managing to contain her confused and frantic sister. 

Finally reaching them, Alex tries to make sense of Kara’s hurried speech and distant gaze.

“Kara you have to calm down, you’re going to hurt Maggie if you don’t stop.”

Kara doesn’t stop, her mind still stuck between the images behind her eyes and the faces in front of her, but at least she seems to out of it to realize how easily she could overpower the both of them.

“I have to get out. I can’t; I don’t —she was here.”

Alex grabs her sister’s wrist and holds her hand to her chest so she can feel her there with her.

“I’m here Kara. Let me help. Who was here?”

Kara stills, her eyes finding Alex’s as she blinks away the last reminders of the nightmare within herself.

“I couldn’t stop it. I tired. Lena. I tried to get out. You have to make sure she’s okay Alex. You have to make sure.”

Kara’s eyes are clear again as worry replaces fear.

Alex looks around but can’t find Lena among those still inside. Maybe she’s isn’t here. Maybe someone else already got her out. Maybe….shit.

Alex must see her at the same time Maggie does because her fiancé’s hand is at her shoulder and she is telling her to go — that she has Kara, that it’s okay — before she is even fully on feet.

The first thing she notices is the blood on floor and Lena’s hands. It’s not enough for her to panic, but it’s certainly enough to be concerned, and it isn’t clear right away where it’s coming from.

“Lena. Lena look at me. You need to tell me where your hurt.”

Lena doesn’t answer, just shakes her head back and forth as her eyes remain fixed on her hands.

“No, no. It can’t be real; it can’t be real.”

Alex slowly reaches toward her, hands gently stilling Lena’s enough that she can see the cause of the blood, stop it from getting worse.

“It’s not Lena; It’s not real. It's not.”

Lena shakes her head again, and Alex can do nothing but try once more to reassure her.

“Lena. Lena! You have to look at me okay. You cut your hands on some broken glass. I promise you’re safe; Kara’s safe. I’ve got you. Just breathe. It’s all over. “

She waits for any sign of recognition. Any sign of relief.

Seconds, maybe minutes pass before Lena’s breathing hitches slightly, and her eyes close, breaking their distant stare. 

When they open again Alex startles as Lena pushes herself away, her eyes filled immeasurable pain as she rubs her hands frantically on the fabric of her clothes trying to rid themselves of the blood now diluted by tears.

Alex moves closer again, hands raised in front of her waiting —worried— until Lena’s fragile voice and pleading eyes grant her permission.

“Get it off. Please, Alex, please just get it off. Please. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Alex pulls Lena forward, lets the younger woman fall into her as she quietly breaks apart.

\---- ---- ---- ----

Lena is used to memories that haunt. To the burden of dreams distorted by time and fear.

She knows the feeling of waking up lost. Of feeling alone and begging for dawn to come and dangers to fade.

But for all of the hours she’s spent restrained by fear never has her panic felt this real. Never has she wondered behind closed eyes if this is what it would feel like to watch everything inside her die.

A distant scream pulls her from the threads that hold her down. 

Tired and exposed, she counts the seconds that pass until her breathing evens, and her heart quiets, but she can’t stop her mind as it drifts away again.

She thinks of who she was this morning.

She thinks of who she is afraid she is today.

...

_Lena feels the weight of the wool blanket wrapped loosely around her shoulders protecting her from the biting winter air._

_The static from the radio penetrates the unfiltered noise of the world around her and grants reprieve to the chaos both outside and within._

_She watches Alex pull the last few stitches taught — the furrow of her brow reminding her of Kara — and soon the only reminder of what happened is concealed by clean white bandages._

_Lena winces as she opens and closes her hands but finds comfort in the pain. The pain is something real; a sharp and unrelenting reminder that the truth is never numb._

_Lena looks at Alex can’t help but wonder why she is still here. She still isn’t used to the feeling of being looked after’ —cared for._

_“You should be with Kara.”_

_“She’s okay. Maggie is with her” Alex reassures her again as she pulls the blanket around her tighter. “plus she made me promise not to leave you alone.”_

_Lena looks up, her confusion seemingly evident on her face as Alex continues._

_“When I got here, she was still pretty out of it, but she wouldn’t let anyone help her until you were taken care of. I promised her I would make sure you were safe.”_

_As they finish talking, Maggie comes over and leans in close to Alex whispering something in her ear. Alex looks briefly at Lena and then back at the detective before speaking up._

_“You up for some company? Kara is done being checked out and has apparently moved on to annoying the hell out of Maggie._

_Lena appreciates the levity in Alex’s words and the sense of normalcy she is trying to project. She wants nothing more at that moment than for things to feel normal again. Anything to pretend that this was nothing more than another nightmare._

_After a slight hesitation, she is nodding her head, and Maggie turns around motioning across the way to someone._

_Kara emerges from behind another van that had been parked a couple of yards away, and Lena’s hands clutch at the fabric of the blanket as she tries to stop the feeling of guilt and dread that returns when she finally sees her._

_Kara looks as tired as Lena feels. Her arms wrap tightly around herself, folded across her chest, as her eyes flitter nervously around her. She seems guarded— scared. Nothing of Kara in that moment resembles the hero Lena knows her to be, and she wonders if she was wrong after all, that maybe Kara is as human as herself._

_Before she realizes it, they are close enough that Lena can hear the heavy sigh of relief as it leaves Kara's chest and she watches as the haunted look she had seen only moments ago is replaced by one of honest concern._

_Without breaking her stride Kara's steps into the space in front of Lena, her strong arms wrapping around her in fragile comfort._

_Lena stiffens at the sudden contact but soon relaxes and lets her head rest on Kara’s shoulder. She concentrates on the feeling of her hands on Kara’s back. On the way, they move in time with her breathing proving she is here — proving she is alive. Her grip tightens, and Lena finds herself silently begging for this feeling to replace forever the memory of Kara’s stillness._

...

Kara's own grip tightens in return, her quiet voice in Lena's ear. 

_“I couldn’t make it stop Lena. I’m sorry. I couldn’t make it stop.”_

_But for Lena it's too much._

_Too much like the last breath they ever shared._

_Too much like promises they both had broken._

_She can’t do this. She can’t handle Kara’s apologies when she can still feel the ghost of her blood on her hands._

__

_Images real and imagined blur together to such a disorienting effect that she doesn’t even realize her hands are fisted in the front of Kara’s shirt until she feels a gentle pressure trying to ease them open._

__

_“Relax Lena; you’re going to hurt yourself.”_

__

_She looks up at Kara, her blue eyes threatening to pull her back into that room. To watch her die again and again —to have to kill her again and again._

__

_She needs it to stop. She needs to be anywhere else but inside her head._

__

_Her hands drop away suddenly, and Kara takes a step back sensing her panic._

__

_She can feel Kara’s hesitation. Can feel the hands that hover just above her own unsure of what to do or what is needed._

__

_She wants to reach out, but doesn’t._

__

_Wants to seek her comfort, but can’t._

__

_She says Kara’s name._

__

_She says she’s sorry._

__

_But like an echo never heard it’s so quiet maybe she doesn’t even say it at all._

__

...

__

The memory fades and returns her to herself.

__

She has to move now, get up now, forget now, and it all seems possible except for the last.

__

Because she can still feel Kara in her arms. She can still remember the look in her eyes. Eyes that all at once seemed her only hope and her greatest fear. Eyes that had borne witness to their own demons that morning. Eyes that begged her not to go even as she retreated.

__

She thinks of Kara and why she let her leave.

__

She thinks of all the things keeping them apart. 

__

She thinks about promises and trust and secrets. Of the all the words between them that morning that had failed and hurt and lied. Of how some lies are as good as truths when they were told enough — believed enough.

__

Lena thinks of all these things until she doesn’t know the difference between fear and anger and shame.

__

She grasps at the stark white sheets around her wanting only of comfort in a room that feels suddenly too empty, too cold, and too calm.

__

_‘I think when I feel things again, I'm... I'm going to be very, very afraid. About the person, I might be.’_

__

She knows that person now. What it feels like to be her and what it takes to become her. Because even if killing Kara had only been a nightmare —a lie born out of fear— the anger she had felt and revenge she had desired was all too real.

__

She thinks again of Kara and that night on her couch

__

_I’ll protect you. I promise'_

__

But Lena knows now that Kara cannot protect her from herself, that this burden was hers alone to keep and carry and bury. 

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive me for all the exposition in this chapter but it seems to be what I do best, or at least most :) . I promise it will come around to a Kara/Lena resolution in the end but I also want to find a way to get Maggie and Alex in as well.
> 
> Comments and kudos always welcome and appreciated.


	3. alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Kara and Lena both struggle, Alex and Maggie step in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still working up to a Kara/Lena conclusion, but couldn't pass this up on the way. Hope it works.
> 
> Translation from Darren Doyle (http://kryptonian.info)

_Rao, make my life light_

__

.,rao, sokaofidh nahn w khuhp i ehrosh ni :divi 

Rao, build my strength

.,rao, sokaokypzrhiges w khuhp i raogrhys 

__

__

The words have never left her, but they feel lost all the same. She is the only one who knows them now. The only one who finds comfort in their memory, who hears the solace in their grace. 

The door opens and closes. Her voice fades and the words hidden away once more. 

“What are you doing?” 

Kara looks up at her sister’s voice. 

“It’s a Kryptonian meditation, an ancient mantra to strengthen the mind.” 

Her fingers tangle in the edges of her sweater as Alex sits in across from her. 

“I’ve never seen you do that before.”

She shrugs, thinks how after all this time, there are still things she’s never shared, pieces of herself that belong to another time and another place. 

“I've never felt like I needed it.”

Her answers are short and brief and weighted with expectation. Kara knows why her sister is here. Knows it isn’t this. 

Alex tries to break the tension between them 

“Winn’s still working on the physic dampening technology.”

But Kara’s too tired to pretend. 

“He told you, didn’t he?” she asks as she stands and turns away. 

“Well he’s not very good at keeping secrets”

Kara leans against the counter. 

“He shouldn’t have done that.”

And she knows it isn’t Winn’s fault, that what she asked of him wasn’t fair, but the words had still come out blunt and sharp. 

“He was just trying to help Kara.” 

She doesn’t want anyone’s help, she doesn't deserve it. She just wants to beat Psi and forget everything else.

“I mean we used to talk to each other about this kind of stuff.” 

She tries again to get Alex to let it go. 

“I didn't want you to worry.” 

But after months of giving in Alex pushes back.

“You fight the most dangerous and evil people on the planet, so I'm kind of always gonna worry.”

Kara struggles to control her grip on the glass in her hand. Like everything else it feels on the verge of breaking apart. Frustrated, she turns to her sister. her voice rising and breaking. A part of her angry, a part of her ashamed, a part of her just wanting to forget. 

“Well I don't know how to fight this one!”

They both pause, either unwilling or unsure of what to say next. 

Alex moves toward her, her hand reaching out 

“Kara…”

And for a second she wants to give in, to let Alex protect her from this too, but she feels herself step back instead. 

Why couldn't she have just let this go? 

“No you don’t understand! You don’t — I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think. She was inside my mind, she made me watch, she made me…”

Kara’s heartbeat echoes in her ears as she stops. 

Alex steps forward again, hesitating in the distance between them.

Seconds pass, slow and drawn, until something inside her breaks; no longer content to bury the pain that she hiding behind. 

Her voice quivers as she speaks but once she’s started she can’t stop. 

“The voices used to keep me up at night. I couldn’t make them stop. I could hear them all, but there was nothing I could do. They wouldn’t stop.” 

Kara closes her eyes. She can still hear them now. All the prayers met by silence. All the calls for help unanswered. She can always hear them. Like the ever-present hum that lingers in a world that is never quiet and never still, they never leave her. 

“I had to make the choice every day to ignore them, to forget them, to be human. I chose to protect you, to protect Eliza. I had already cost you both so much and you, you were everything I had left.” 

Kara can feel the tears in her eyes and she knows Alex can see them too. 

“But I don’t have to choose anymore. I can go out there and I can help people. I can make a difference in the world and still keep the people I love safe.”

She feels her voice start to rise again, but she is too tired to be angry, too defeated. 

“Psi took that away. She made me feel as lost as I did inside that pod, as helpless as I did those first nights on earth.”

Kara’s wraps her arms tightly around herself as she sinks to the floor. 

Tired, she rests her head against the wall and allows for a moment to pass as Alex sits down next to her. She looks at her and the words are just loud enough to hear. 

“I watched as Krypton died, as everything around me burned into a silence I will never forget. And then when I opened my eyes all I saw Lena was looking back at me and it was another kind of pain. Another reminder that I can’t protect everyone. I saw how scared she was, how lost. I let that happen. I should have been able to stop it, but I couldn’t. I watched instead as something inside her broke. I felt one world die and I let another shatter.”

By the end of it all, her voice is quiet and raw and any words that remain go unsaid as Alex pulls her forward in a desperate kind of need. 

Kara closes her eyes and listens for the steady rhythm of Alex’s heartbeat. She focuses on the sound until it’s all there is and she hears herself whispers back “Rao, make my life light Rao, build my strength”

\---- ---- ---- ----

Maggie Sawyer is not who Lena expects to see when she answers her door and for a moment she worries that something’s happened even though there is nothing to suggest it. 

“I’m sorry to bother you at home Lena, but I needed to get a statement about yesterday and Jess said you had left for the day already. Which, by the way, I have to admit she seemed rather concerned about. “

Lena feels herself relax a little but keeps the door only partly open, neither inviting the Detective in or shutting her out and silently hoping she will just leave. 

“She shouldn’t be Detective Sawyer. I’m fine. Perhaps a bit tired, but fine”

“It would be okay if you weren’t you know.”

Lena raises her eyebrow but ignores the statement. She doesn’t want to talk about what happened. She doesn’t want to talk about all the ways she is definitely not okay. 

“I’m afraid I won’t be much help. I don’t really remember any more of what happened at the bank than you’ve probably already gathered from the security cameras.”

Maggie shrugs her shoulders. 

“Can we give it a go anyway? Standard procedure and all that. I promise not to bring out the cuffs this time.”

Lena sighs but relents, motioning for her to join her in living room. Once they are sitting across from one another she watches as Maggie pulls a small notebook from her pocket and leads right into her questions.

“Kara told me you were going to interview a source at the bank regarding Morgan Edge.”

She balks a little at the mention of Kara, but Lena manages to nod. She could do this. She could handle facts. 

“Yes. Kara was doing a story and I had some connections I thought might be helpful”

“When you got there did anything seem off. Did you notice anything out the ordinary?”

Lena can’t help but think how trite the question seems but answers it anyway. 

“While I am probably more aware than most with regard to potential threats. I wasn’t looking around for trouble Detective. Contrary to popular belief there are places in this city I can go without risk of assassination.”

Or at least there were she thinks silently.

“Okay, let’s back up then. Did you drive, walk, take the bus?” 

Lena watched as Maggie’s lip lifted into a smile at the end of the question and allowed herself to do the same.

“Yes well, despite Kara’s affinity for public transportation, I did insist my driver take us.”

Maggie makes a note in her book.

“What then?”

And for the first time Lena starts to reconsider.

“I don’t see how this will be helpful”

“Well I’m the one with the badge.” Maggie reminded her half-jokingly. 

A heavy sigh left Lena’s chest. Facts, she just had to remember the facts. 

“We were waiting in the front lobby for the manager. It couldn’t have been more than a couple minutes…then the glass doors behind us just kind of exploded. 

“Kara was with you”

Lena nodded

“Did you see anyone come in.”

She pauses a moment. Her pulse quickening unexpectedly. 

“A blonde. Black jacket. Black pants. I didn’t see her face. Kara, she, Kara stepped in front of me.”

Another note. 

“What next?”

Lena feels her words became less measured, less scripted. 

“I don’t know…Part of it felt real, but most of it just felt like a dream. The whole room was closing in on itself. Everything just kind of collapsed into something else.” 

She clears her throat and looks up at the detective, waiting for another question, but it doesn’t come and before she can think any better of it she starts talking again just wanting to get through this. 

“I don’t know how long it was. I didn’t even hear the police when they came in. The next thing I really remember was Agent Danvers in front of me.”

Lena’s voice stops, but the far-away look in her eyes, the distant gaze veiled by the tears barely held back, hides the memories that follow, the ones she is unwilling to admit, the ones she is desperate to forget. 

The sound of a glass being placed on the table in front of her draws her back to Maggie.  
Lena hadn’t even noticed the sound of the tap running, of footsteps, leaving and returning. She would have thought no time had passed at all without the glass of water now held in her hands as evidence. 

“Do you want to talk about what you saw?”

Maggie’s voice startles her but she is quick to respond nonetheless. 

“I don’t remember” 

Lena knew her voice betrayed her words but she still hoped Maggie believed them.

She didn’t. 

“You know I thought you’d be a better liar than that.”

“Maybe I’m not lying?” 

“Maybe, but I doubt it.”

Lena looks down at the glass of water and watches the drops of condensation as they run down the side of the glass. It reminds her of water dripping onto the floor, of blood running down her hands.

“You know, Kara is a really terrible liar too.”

Lena looks up when Maggie pauses.

“But you already know that, don’t you?” 

Lena looks back down at her hands, at bandages still on her palms, and she has to wonder if after everything, if after all this time it could really be this easy to finally admit the truth. Maybe one burden was enough to carry. 

She hesitates but nods her head slightly. “For some time now”

Maggie smiles back at her “But for as bad of a liar as she is, she’s stubborn about admitting it if she thinks keeping things hidden will protect the people she cares about. She’s had a lot of practice at it too. I’m starting to think it’s a trait the two of you share.”

A long silence settles between them until Lena feels Maggie’s hand come to rest on her own. 

“It wasn’t real Lena, whatever you saw, whatever you’re afraid of, you don’t have to protect her from it.”

Lena pulls her hand back, fingers coming up to tuck a stray hair behind her ear. She doesn’t intend to say what she does next but she had to make Maggie understand that protecting Kara is exactly what she was needed to do. 

“Have you ever watched someone die?”

As soon as she’s said them, she knows her words are unexpected, but the detective in front of her doesn’t even flinch and looks at her with nothing but understanding in her eyes.

“Twice…and I can tell you that even once is one time too many”

Maggie pauses, echoing the same refrain from before. 

“But you already know that too, don’t you?”

Lena looks down, wringing her hands together in front of her. 

“I told Kara once that I felt numb, that when I started to feel things again, I was afraid of the person I might become.”

“I bet she told you she wouldn’t let that happen. I bet she told you she’d protect you.”

Lena nods. Pauses. 

“But what if she can’t? What if no one can? What I saw, what I felt. Some part of it was real.” 

Maggie waits until Lena looks up at her. 

“Kara trusts you, she believes in you. You’re used to the weight of the world, and that’s fine. But whatever it is Lena, you have to give her a chance to prove you wrong. I think she’s earned it, don’t you?”

Lena doesn’t answer, just sits, hand folded in her lap. 

Maggie stands pulling a card from her notebook and hands it to Lena. 

“It seems like, with all the trouble you get into, it may be helpful to have the NCPD on speed dial.”

Lena looks the card over. Turns it in her hand to see Alex and Maggie’s numbers written on the back. 

“And just so you know, Kara isn’t the only one who believes in you anymore. You’ve got all of us now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes? No? Good? Bad? Let me know in the little box underneath or leave a kudo behind. As always thanks for reading.


	4. made real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara and Lena face their fears for a second time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, I seemed to have psyched myself out with this story because this is version like 10 of this chapter, but I really hated not being able to give you guys an update so I figured I’d throw this at the wall and see if it sticks.
> 
> Anyway, Thanks so much for hanging in there! And for making this my first story to cross 200 kudos. I know that might not be much in the grand scheme of things, but for me it means lot.

Kara feels her feet begin to slide on the pavement as her grip falters. 

Her arm feels heavy and tired, and with each blast, it falls a little farther. 

But still she tries to step forward. 

Still she tries to stay standing. 

She has to. 

For the people she loves and the city she is sworn to. 

For herself. 

Because this can’t go on. 

And for the nightmares to stop, for the fear to cease, she has to be the one who ends this. 

But Kara can feel the barrier between them giving way as Psi presses deeper into her mind, the world shifting once more between the black of space and the chaos around her. 

Her heartbeat hammers in her ears. 

Her breaths come too shallow and too fast. 

She tries again to step forward. 

Tries again to fight back. 

But the pressure in her head becomes unbearable as the noises grow louder, nearer, and altogether inescapable. 

The inhibitor lies broken and forgotten at her feet, abandoned by hands that now grip tightly against the side of her head in the vain effort of relief. 

Kara closes her eyes as a blinding array of colors floods her vision, and she staggers back falling heavily onto her knees. 

Somewhere Alex’s voice screams in ear. 

Somewhere cameras document her failure. 

Somewhere Lena watches her fall. 

But she hears none of it, sees none of it, and the last sensation she has before the world turns black is that of once again hurtling through space. 

\---- ---- ---- ---- 

For two days Lena manages it. 

For two days she carries the burden she promised herself. 

She ignores Maggie’s words. 

Forgets Kara’s promise. 

And It’s a hollow victory in a war fought never to be won, but for two days it’s enough. 

It’s enough, until it isn’t. 

The sky is bright and clear, but the day is anything but calm. 

In front of her messages of warning flash across a screen filled with images of panic and destruction. 

The sound is on, but the words said go unheard and unheeded. 

All she sees is Kara. 

And as she watches the hero drop to her knees the images on the screen bleed into those from her nightmares. 

_She is no longer in her office then._

_No longer in the present._

_She is back in the confines of her mind._

_Standing once again with a gun leveled at her mother’s chest._

_But this time Kara is next to her, her words breaking through the pain that she feels and the hatred that she is trying to fight._

_“Lena you don’t have to do this.”_

_But she doesn’t move. Doesn’t turn away. Her voice tinged with anger, and sadness, and desperation._

_“She’ll never stop. Don’t you see that she’ll never stop.”_

_Kara’s hand rests on her arm, and Lena looks at her, tears falling down her face._

_“Then we’ll stop her. Together. But not like this.”_

_Lena looks back at her mother and has never wanted to believe Kara’s promise more than now, but It feels like the only choice, like the only way to make it all end._

_No more penance._

_No more atonement._

_No more fear._

_No more pain._

_She feels her finger tighten on the trigger and her voice is quiet and broken, and distant even to her own ears as she tries to make Kara understand._

_“I just…I just want it to end.”_

_Then she closes her eyes and prays that it will._

_But there is no sound of her mother falling, just the echo of a gunshots, and when she opens her eyes she sees Kara is in front of her, sees the bullet that lies between them bent harmlessly at her feet, sees the red that blossoms from her chest as she falls once more to the ground._

_And she already knows how this ends. Like a memory inside a nightmare, she knows she doesn’t save Kara, that she watches her bleed out under her hands._

_But this time there are no tears, no painful goodbyes, and the blood is already on her hands._

_Lena feels nothing but cold detachment as she grabs Lillian by the collar of her jacket and presses her against the wall behind them before wrenching the gun from her grasp._

_Her mother doesn’t even try to fight back, just looks straight into her eyes and through gritted teeth tells Lena the truth she always feared._

_“You may not have pulled the trigger Lena, but she still died because of you. Always trying to save you, it was always going to end this way. She should’ve let you kill me. She should’ve let you be the Luthor you are. Then she’d still be alive.”_

_Lena steps back and turns to look at Kara one last time._

_Kara, who thought she was too good._

_Who believed in her too much._

_Who tried to stop her._

_Who tried to save her._

_Who couldn’t._

_And when she turns around again there is no hesitation, no thought, just the recoil of the gun in her hand. ___

__\---- ----- ----- ----_ _

__Kara can feel the heat that surrounds her as the darkness breaks with the light of distant explosions and burning stars._ _

__She can hear the echo of her own breathing and remember how it was the only sound left as the force each collision pushed her further and further toward the vortex in front her._ _

__A piece of her is still part with the present and she closes her eyes trying to hide from the fate she is resigned._ _

__When she opens them again, she is trapped once more in darkness._ _

__But this is not the place she remembers, and she is no longer in her pod._ _

__She is in a different kind of hell._ _

__Standing instead in a blank void that stretches past any knowable distance._ _

__She tries to fight it, to push back against this fallacy of her fears with words that echo in the empty air._ _

__“This isn’t real. I’m not here. I have to wake up. I have to go back.”_ _

__And at the edges of her vision she can see the colors trying to seep through, trying to pull her back._ _

__But then the voices come._ _

__Their panic._ _

__Their pain._ _

__Their prayers._ _

__And she tries hopelessly to find them._ _

__Wants desperately to save them._ _

__But there is no one there._ _

__No one but her._ _

__But still they don’t stop._ _

__Gripping onto the side of her head she tries to push them away, tapping out the familiar rhythm of heartbeats long ago memorized against her ear until she hears one voice above the others that makes her own heart stop._ _

__Alex._ _

__Kara turns around in the pitch-black space searching aimlessly for any sign of her sister as her voice calls out for her — calls out for help._ _

__And there is an image in her head then of Alex floating in a tank. Eyes closed, breath gone, lifeless._ _

__It’s all so real, so frighteningly real that she is sure that somewhere Alex is in real danger, that the cries for help she hears._ _

__And Kara runs, runs until Alex’s voice feels closer, runs until she is knocked off her feet._ _

__She presses her hands against the solid mass in front of her trying to find a way through, but it is a black as everything else around her._ _

__She can hear Alex still. Hear her on the other side. And then one by one she listens as the other voices come._ _

__Her mother._ _

__Her father._ _

__Her family_ _

__Her friends_ _

__Each person she’s lost._ _

__Each person she loves._ _

__Each voice so full of pain it must be real._ _

__Each voice leaving her struggling for breath._ _

__And she tries, again and again, to break through, again and again, to reach them. Her fists colliding over and over until her knuckles bleed and the blood winds down her forearm, until the voices fade, until once again she is alone._ _

And then her voice recites it's own horrible chorus.

__“I killed them. I killed them. I killed them. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry”_ _

__The words repeating over and over until they are a part with the silence._ _

__\---- ---- ---- ----_ _

__When Alex finds her, Kara’s hands are pressing so tightly against her head she is worried she may actually hurt herself and when she feels her flinch away from her hand, she knows that a part of her is still there, still trapped._ _

__“I killed them. I killed them”_ _

__She tries desperately to bring her back._ _

__“Kara hey, it’s me. It’s Alex. It’s okay, you’re okay. You’re not there; you’re with me”_ _

__Her sister’s head shakes with some sense of recognition, of presence, but a part of her is still somewhere else._ _

__“I killed them. I couldn’t. I couldn’t get to them. They’re dead…they’re all dead”_ _

__Alex holds Kara’s hand over her heart and her voice is stern but calm._ _

__“Kara look at me.”_ _

__And blue eyes marred by tears finally look back._ _

__“That’s good okay.”_ _

__But they are distant, scared._ _

__“I-I killed you. I-I killed them.”_ _

__Alex holds Kara’s hand tighter, presses it firmer._ _

__“No, no. I’m here. Feel okay? Listen. I’m here.”_ _

__Kara stills for a second and shakes her head again, but this time she’s trying to clear her thoughts, to decide what’s real._ _

__“But I heard you. I heard them all.”_ _

__Alex remembers then what her sister told her, what she really feared and she lets her other hand rest on the side of Kara’s face._ _

__“Listen to me, you’ve saved me so many times Kara. You’ve saved us all so many times. You can’t save everyone, but that’s not your fault. Just like me. We try to protect the people we can, we try to keep them safe, but sometimes we can’t. It doesn’t mean we’ve failed. It doesn’t mean we’re weak. It means we try again. It means we try harder.”_ _

__She sees the look in her sister’s eyes get clearer, her hands steadier as they push into the concrete around her._ _

__“Alex”_ _

__And there is anger in Kara’s voice, but also resolve as she bites back the lingering tears and readies for a fight._ _

__“Go get her.”_ _

__\---- ---- ---- ---_ _

__Lena comes to sitting on the floor of her office, knees tucked into her chest and head buried in her arms with the sound of gunshots ringing in her ears._ _

__The sky around her is still light, and the TV is still on but the fight outside is over, and Kara stands tall and unbroken, helping people to their feet as the city once again settles._ _

__She doesn’t get up, doesn’t know how long it takes for the tingling in her hands to go away or the tears to fade._ _

__The knock at her door startles her and she pushes herself onto unsteady feet trying to put herself back together as best she can._ _

__She opens the door to find Jess, worried and uncertain._ _

__“I know you said not to disturb you Ms. Luthor, but this just came by courier.”_ _

__Lena looks down at the envelope in her assistant’s hands and pales at the postmark in the corner._ _

__“Security cleared it and the jail confirmed it was sent by them”_ _

__Jess clears her voice to get her attention again._ _

__“I, uh I didn’t know if you would want it. Or if I should call someone to take care of it.”_ _

__Hands still shaking from earlier, Lena reaches out to take envelope._ _

__“No, it’s okay. I’ll take it. Thank You.”_ _

__Jess stays in front of her, still uneasy._ _

__“Should I call detective Sawyer or Agent Danvers?”_ _

__And Lena tries to sound as convincing as she can. As steady as she can._ _

__“I’ll call them if I need to. Thank you Jess.”_ _

__Her assistant nods her head and backs away from the door before closing it once more._ _

__Lena looks down at the simple object in her hands. She tears the edge carefully, pulling out a single piece of paper lined with familiar script._ _

_I’m sorry to hear you’ve been having nightmares again Lena. I know how troubling you always found them. – Lex ___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated and a welcome sight in my inbox. 
> 
> I’m fighting to keep this one on target so please let me know if it’s still working. The next installment should be the last chapter will a resolution and everything, hopefully. And a Kara/Lena conversation is coming…I promise, exposition just keeps getting in the way :) . 
> 
> Also as an aside, I know the real postal system might not work this fast, but for the sake of this plot it does — sorry.


	5. the fight inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara fights back and Lena goes looking for a fight of her own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know I said this story was going to be 3 chapters, then 4, then 5, and now I've resigned myself to just put a ? instead because I can't quite figure out how to end this and I wanted to at least put an update in to let you guys know I'm still here and still writing this story. Please don't give up on me!

The voices that haunt her still ring in her ears and her hands ache with the phantom pain of broken bones that were never real. 

Her fears were not a lie, but they were not the only truth. 

She can’t bring back the things she’s lost, but she can fight for the things that are still here, that are still hers. 

The pavement cracks beneath her feet with a strength barely contained. 

“What did you see I wonder? What brought the Girl of Steel to her knees?”

The voice taunts her not unlike the others and threatens to return her to the hell she just escaped. 

But Alex’s words, her faith, brings her back. 

She finds strength in what remains and what is left to be saved. 

“I’m not afraid of you.”

Psi steps forward, unbelieving of her conviction. 

“But I am not what you fear, am I? 

She moves closer again and Kara sees the shift in her eyes. 

“No. It’s not me you fear.”

Hears the words barley spoken. 

“It’s you”

And it is a simple quiet terror laid bare, uncovered from her own mind. 

But it is the truth. 

Kara’s fingers dig into her palms until they threaten to bleed.

She thinks of the way Alex’s voice broke when she begged her not to take her sister away. 

Of the look on Lena’s face, like she wasn’t worth the truth. 

Of Winn’s desperate need to help her and the pain that was left when he couldn’t. 

She thinks of every bit of distance, every lie meant to protect them for what she really feared. 

Her weakness. 

Her failure. 

Herself. 

Kara barely feels the force that tries to push her back, barely feels herself move forward.

Psi’s efforts are violent but futile. 

This is no longer a fight with two sides, this is a war with one’s self — the desperate struggle of a heart that will not rest and a mind that will not relent. 

And with each hit Kara imagines her hand finally breaking through the glass that had separated her from her family.

\---- ---- ---- ---- 

Lena lets the water beat against her skin until she can no longer feel the heat; until the pale expanse of her body is red and raw and the only sensation left is its rhythmic vibration against her back. 

She tries to lose herself in the feeling, let it wash everything away but the tiniest fragments of good that always seem to survive. 

She thinks about how she has held onto those fragments, how her grip on them had sometimes faltered, but never fully gave way. 

She thinks how there are more of them now than she ever thought there could be. 

She wonders what will be left of them after this. 

What good will remain. 

She thought she could forget, could bury her feelings, thought it would be safer to never love someone enough to hurt them. 

But it is hard to survive for one's self alone. 

So she had to know. 

She had to know what kind of anger is inside her. 

Her brother had not known, and he had let it kill a part of himself, let him succumb to madness a so cruel he could hide from the suffering he caused and the destruction he sought. 

And Lena would not let herself become that. 

She would not let the herself forget the goodness and love and truth that fear and madness cast out.

She would rather die. 

\---- ---- ---- ---- 

Maggie had never seen Kara fight like this before. 

This recklessly, this personally. 

She thinks of hands that shook in anger and pain as they held Rick Malverne against the wall and it was close, but even then, Kara knew with some part of herself that she had to hold back, that if she didn’t she would kill the man in grasp. 

There is a moment now though when Maggie fears she won’t hold back this time, that she can’t. That Kara will kill Psi and lose something of herself in the process. 

Because Maggie saw the look in Kara’s eyes that day in the bank. She knows what that kind of fear, that kind of loss can do to someone. 

It was the same kind of loss that Lena was afraid of. 

But Kara does stop. 

And the fight ends with Kara’s fist raised for one more punch that never comes. From the from the small, shitty, TV screen in the bullpen Maggie watches as Alex comes up to her and gently lowers her hand back to her side before she restrains the other woman. 

Maggie knows there are words spoken between the sisters, words meant only for themselves and not the cameras that hover just out of the frame, and she is in awe again of Kara as she sees her shift back into the hero the city expects her to be. 

The TV resumes its interrupted programming as a rookie cop comes up beside her. 

“Excuse me detective, but there’s someone from L-Corp on the line for you. I tried to take a message but they were insistent on speaking with you in person.”

Maggie looks at the cop, Johnson she thinks, and tries to gauge the situation she is about to walk into because this kid looks too nervous for this to be some kind of social call. 

“Is it Ms. Luthor?

“No ma’am, she said her name was Jess.”

“Okay, mind filling me in”

“She said it was about Ms. Luthor’s brother”

Well fuck. 

\---- ---- ---- ---- 

Kara knows she is not being convincing. 

She knows that Alex can see the tremors that have settled in her hands. 

But she still tries. 

She tries to pretend she’s okay. 

And maybe Alex feels sorry for her, maybe she realizes that the last place Kara wants to be is trapped in a small room, on and even smaller bed left alone with her thoughts under the light from a sun that will always feel foreign. 

Because despite Kara’s weak attempts to prove otherwise, they both know that she is far from okay, and still Alex lets her leave. 

Or at least she was going to. 

Until she gets a call. 

Kara watches her sister through the glass of the Med Bay but she is too tired, and her senses too dulled from the fight to even try and listen in. Still, When Alex comes back into the room, Kara doesn’t need her super hearing to know that it wasn’t anything good. 

“How much of that did you hear?”

Kara shrugs in response. 

“Honestly I was too tired to even try.”

Alex runs a hand through her hair out of nervous habit. 

“Maggie got a call from Jess at the precinct”

And despite her fatigue, Alex now has Kara’s full attention. 

“Jess, Lena’s Jess?”

“Yeah” 

Alex pauses, and Kara thinks she’s trying to figure out how to say what she has to in a way that won’t have her flying out the window before she even finishes. 

“Turns out Lena got a letter from Lex today. Jess didn’t see what it said, but Lena seemed okay, didn’t even want her to call anyone about it.”

Another pause. 

“But when she left she told Jess to clear she schedule for the next two days. 

Kara doesn’t hesitate this time, she rips off the monitor leads Alex had insisted on and stands from the exam table. 

“Check L-Corp’s company jet to see if it filed flight plans for a trip to Metropolis”

And she knows her request catches Alex a bit off guard. 

“You think she would try to go see him?”

Kara thinks of Lena’s confession when Jack died, of how she pushed her away that day at the bank, about the pain in her eyes that wasn’t for herself, but someone else. 

It was the same pain she feared. 

It was the same fear she fought. 

Now Lena was going to do the same.

“I think that’s exactly what she’s going to do”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it wasn't a lot of Lena, but I didn't want to settle on something I wasn't happy with. I hope this at least holds the story over until I figure that part out. 
> 
> As always thanks for reading. It's always great to here from you guys, so let me know what you think or what you might like to see happen in that little box below.


	6. unsaid and undone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena tries to run and Kara tries to stop her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are awesome...seriously, thanks so much to everyone who read, commented, or kudo’d. Okay, here it is, we’re headed toward the end... I think.

We ask why. 

We question. 

We look. 

For answers. 

For meaning. 

For reasons. 

We search for clarity in what comes after these things, but never because of these things. 

We imagine it as something that is always receding into the distance. 

And there are times when life demands this illusion of depth, of scale and atmosphere, of horizons; but there are also moments that demand we notice the fine lines and gentles shades of color that exist only when we look close up, that render a world that is real, and lived in, and experienced rather than always out of reach. 

\---- ---- ---- ---- 

Her movements are quick and measured, practiced by a careful hand taught too early and too often the need to escape. 

Maybe she should be anxious, afraid, but there’s a strange sense of wanting, an unspoken need that calms her now, 

She doesn’t notice the things she packs. It doesn’t matter. Physical things hold only as much importance as their function. 

This was another thing Lena had learned; how to move from place to place, to start over again and again with new things in new places. 

Eventually she learned how to leave behind people too. To never need them more than she would be willing to forget them. 

It was the way she survived. 

The way she moved forward. 

But ever since she had opened the letter, Lena had found herself wrestling again against the voice of her brother and the memories of him somehow still intact. 

Lena’s hands abandon the task in front of her and find the now worn paper folded neatly on the bed. 

She studies the contours of the letters still in the careful penmanship she remembers and tries to imagine the words in her brother’s voice. 

She thinks about how easily they could have come from a different life, written for another version of herself — how easily they could have been words meant to comfort rather than destroy. 

She imagines too a picture she once had of both of them, sitting side by side, innocent of the things to come. But the picture is gone now, so is her brother, and she and the girl are no longer the same. The girl she remembers has not yet learned to run, not yet forgotten the only memory of her mother’s voice. She is still innocent, still unaware. She does not live in a world where her brother was a monster. 

\---- ---- ---- ---- 

Kara realizes as soon as she lands that she had not been too late, that by the steady sound of Lena’s heartbeat she was still here — still safe. 

And there is relief in that, but there is also the uncertainty of what to say now and who to be. So she steadies herself into the person she thinks Lena needs her to be rather than the still mending version of herself that she is. 

Her hand falls against the heavy door, and inside she can hear the pause in Lena’s movements, the hesitation in her steps, the rise in her heart rate as she decides between fight and flight. 

She hears her own voice call out, and the lock finally slide open. 

It’s been two days since Kara has seen her. Two days consumed by her fears and the need to fight them. Two days of thinking Lena was okay when she knows now she wasn’t. 

And a feeling of guilt settles in her chest when takes in the darkened shadows of tired eyes that look back at her. 

She should never have let Lena push her away. 

She should have been here. 

She should have made sure. 

Lena steps back just enough for Kara to enter, but the movement is one of reluctance and not of the warmth she has come to expect. 

Wordlessly she follows her as she retreats through her apartment and into her bedroom. Kara waits in the doorway noticing at once the open suitcase that must have been subject of Lena’s focus before she came. 

“Where are you going?”

Lena barley looks up as she closes the suitcase and walks back past Kara and into the living room. 

“There is something in Metropolis I have to take care of.”

And it strikes her then how easy these kinds of lies between them have become, how many of them she herself has told. All the Half-truths they have both accepted to protect each other. 

But Kara is not certain now that she can say from what. 

Lena moves again, pulling things from a desk in the corner. 

“Lena, come on, just stop for a second.”

“I can’t Kara; I have a plane waiting.”

Kara steps beside her and rests a hand on Lena’s arm needing her to stop, to listen, to change her mind. 

“I know he sent you a letter.”

Lena pauses with her back to Kara but her words, like her face, are a mask of focus and purpose.

“Then you know I have to go.”

And it hurts so much to think that she did this, that she put this distance, this distrust, between them. 

“Not like this. I can't let you go like this.”

Fingers tighten around the papers in Lena’s hands as she throws them back onto the desk and turns toward Kara; the careful words and the cautious movements that had been meant to hide behind now gone. Her eyes mirror the panic and fear she herself had known only hours before, 

“He sent her. He sent her here! It isn’t just some coincidence that Psi picked National City to rob. Lex sent her.”

Kara can hear the anger under the surface of her words, knows it is an anger at herself as she tries so desperately to prove to her it is not. 

“It’s not your job to figure that out. You’re not the one who has to stop him. You can’t just take off and just put yourself in danger like that. What if something happened to you?

But Lena’s answer is quick and painful. 

“Would it matter?”

And Kara realizes then just how far apart they’ve become. 

“Of course, it would matter! You have people who care about you. People who care if you fly across the country and taunt murders in prison. “

Lena moves forward challenging Kara’s words. 

“Would you rather I wait for them to show up at my doorstep?”

“That’s not” Kara runs a hand through her hair, frustrated at Lena’s insistence on self-destruction. “you know that’s not what I meant”

Lena takes another step. The tremor and pitch in her voice rising. 

“No. I don’t know anything apparently. Not about you. Not about what’s been going on.”

Kara doesn’t miss the harsh angle of the words, the way they are meant to hurt — meant to push her away again. 

“What do you want to hear Kara. What do you want me to say? You don’t understand. What I saw, what I felt. I need to look him in the eye! I need to make sure!”

But she wants to, she wants to know so she can make it go away, so she can keep Lena here with her where she is safe.

“Make sure of what? You can tell me, Lena. Whatever it is you can tell me.”

But still, there is too much distance between them. 

“You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to ask that of me.”

Too many fears. 

“Not when you….”

Too much in what is left unsaid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Ducks flying objects
> 
> I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. But this is all I had ready and I promised a quicker update. Lena’s POV of their conversation is next.


	7. closer and farther

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena's POV of Kara showing up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *slaps self on forehead* Why did I think I could write two reveals at the same time. 
> 
> Trying to keep my thoughts separate between this and "Truths" is a bit of a challenge, but they will be different, I promise.
> 
> I know it's kind of a repeat of the previous chapter, but I wanted to show Lena's POV to try and setup the resolution.

The knock at her door is unexpected, and the sound seems foreign at first, as if it is farther away than it should be, and for a second she stands still — unwitting of its purpose — until Kara’s voice filters through her thoughts, and the feeling of relief that comes from that, from knowing Kara is safe, propels her into moving despite every other part of herself that is telling her to run. 

She knows it’s a mistake as soon as she opens the door. Because Kara is there, but with a kind of tired worry in her eyes and heaviness to her stance that suggests of a pain barley withheld and that makes Lena remember with instant clarity the fear of putting Kara in danger that is the reason for her nightmares. 

Her relief at Kara’s safety is quickly replaced with guilt, and she tries to her way back to her abandoned task. The need to escape paramount once more.

She hears Kara follow her, hears the need to protect her etching its way into her words.

“Where are you going?”

And a part of her wants to let her, a part of her wants to tell her everything, about the nightmares that come, about how they won’t go away, about Lex’s letter, about the voice inside her head that is telling her Kara will die one day because of her.

She wants to tell her everything, but she remembers the pain in Kara’s eyes and resolves to be strong enough not to need her, to push her away when she wants so desperately to hold onto her. So, in a steady voice she continues the volley of lies between them.

“There is something in Metropolis I have to take care of.”

But Kara follows, and she can’t help the feeling that maybe this time their lies won’t be enough to contain the turth.

“Lena, come on, just stop for a second.”

“I can’t Kara; I have a plane waiting.”

It’s then that Kara steps beside stopping the momentum that is the only things propelling her forward and it’s the feeling of Kara’s hand than undoes her, forcing her again into the nightmare she is trying so desperately to escape.

_“Lena you don’t have to do this.”_

_“She’ll never stop. Don’t you see that she’ll never stop.”_

_“Then we’ll stop her. Together. But not like this.”_

And Lena hates that this is another thing she’s lost, that she can now count the comfort of Kara’s touch among the things stolen from her by her fears.

“I know he sent you a letter.”

Lena turns, unprepared for the veiled understanding in Kara’s eyes, but resolute.

“Then you know I have to go.”

Kara tries again to stop her, to protect her.

“Not like this. I can't let you go like this.”

Lena feels the paper in her hands give way as she tightens her grip to hide the tremors as her voice rises in displaced anger.

She needs Kara to understand.

“He sent her. He sent her here! It isn’t just some coincidence that Psi picked National City to rob a bank. Lex sent her.”

Because it’s the echo of those words that she is really hiding from — I did this, I caused this, this is my fault … I’m the one that hurt you.

Kara’s words hold a hidden anger of their own.

“It’s not your job to figure that out. You’re not the one who has to stop him. You can’t just take off and just put yourself in danger like that. What if something happened to you?

“Would it matter?”

A hidden fear.

“Of course, it would matter! You have people who care about you. People who care if you fly across the country and taunt murders in prison. “

“Would you rather I wait for them to show up at my doorstep?”

A hidden truth.

“That’s not… you know that’s not what I meant”

And she does know. Kara wants to know why she won’t let her in, why she didn’t tell her the truth, why she won’t let her protect her. She knows because she wants to know the same things. 

“No. I don’t know anything apparently. Not about you. Not about what’s been going on.”

She hears her voice rise and watches as Kara accepts her anger, maybe even expects it.

“What do you want to hear Kara. What do you want me to say? You don’t understand. What I saw, what I felt. I need to look him in the eye! I need to make sure!”

Kara’s voice is nervous, confused. 

“Make sure of what? You can tell me, Lena. Whatever it is you can tell me.”

The words are not what she meant to say, but she could not stop them.

“You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to ask that of me…”

And the instant they leave her she tries to reclaim them.

Not when you ….”

She tries to let the silence erase what they claim, what they mean, what they will change. 

And she thinks for a second it can.

She thinks for a second that they can go back to the comfort of lies.

To protecting each other.

That is the reason, isn’t it?

The reason Kara can’t tell her who she is.

The reason Lena can’t tell her what she’s really afraid of.

Because the way that Kara says her name, the way her hand reaches out for her, the way she aches to do the same, she knows they would rather die for each other than live for themselves.

Lena takes in a shaking breath.

“I think you should go….I need you to go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting closer...I promise...there is softness coming.
> 
> Let me know what you think and as always, thanks so much for reading....all of your comments and such make it worth writing.


	8. together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much! I hope I've haven't lost you yet. 
> 
> There’s some softness under the angst in this one…I promise, just squint a little.

There was something unbearable about being so close to Lena in that moment, about the fragile stillness and pain of inexpressible truths between them as Kara waits for words that never come.

The silence itself becomes a kind of confession; an admission, an accusation, the acceptance of what is left unsaid but not unknown. And her heart aches with guilt and regret in equal measure as Lena’s eyes fixed on hers, almost searchingly, as if looking for something to hold onto, some kind of proof that Kara is still who she has always been.

But even as Lena’s name falls from her lips like a kind of promise, even as her hand reaches out to erase both her tears and her doubts, Kara is forced to realize that like so much else between them, these words of reassurance too will go unsaid as they are ushered out by the sound of Lena’s broken voice.

“I think you should go.”

Kara’s hand stops, draws back a few inches, and she looks at Lena, her eyes so fiercely green and so full of grief and panic and longing.

“I need you to go.”

Kara wants to protest. Wants to say no. But then Lena is taking her hand, letting Kara’s fingers barely graze the skin of her cheek in some unutterable need as she guides it back to her side.

“Please”

And it’s then, in that moment of desperate need, watching Lena’s shoulders rising and falling with her stilted breaths, that Kara realizes just how fragile Lena is and how little it would take to break her.

So she does not say no.

She does not say anything at all.

All that is left is to wait for Lena to let go.

When she does, it already feels like a mistake 

Kara’s gaze falls to the floor, and she turns toward the door, walking slowly away from where Lena remains even as the voice inside her head tells her to go back, go back, go back.

It is the echo of a lifetime of moments she wishes she could return to.

Go back, go back, go back.

And it makes her think of the last moment with her mother.

Because like an echo, it is this first moment that is the loudest, that will remain a part of each diminishing refrain no matter how long the gaps of silence or how faint the sound becomes.

What would she have done if she knew how much that moment would mean?

Would she have let go sooner?

Would she have held on longer?

Maybe she would have never gotten lost.

Maybe she would have died with her family instead.

She wonders if somewhere these versions of herself exist.

She wonders what they would tell her if they did.

But they are not her.

She will never know of things that exist only in dreams.

Kara closes her eyes and rests her hand against the frame of the door.

She thinks of that moment and this one.

She thinks of who she was then and who she is now —a scared little girl unaware of the consequence of time, a reluctant hero trying to protect the people she loves — how they are the same. How the part of her that held onto her mother as her world fell apart is the same part of herself that wants to hold onto Lena now to keep it together; unknowing of loss, only wanting of comfort and love.

And Kara thinks that maybe this is the gift of uncertainty, that it allows us to do the things our hearts ask of us without fear of what it will cost us.

Because if she knew what was going to happen that day if she had come to understand in all that time and all that darkness everything she still had left to lose, she would have chosen to never love anyone again. She would have not been brave enough.

And for that reason, she is thankful for the things she cannot know.

That she can choose to be broken rather than empty.

That she can choose love.

And with the sound of Lena’s heartbeat in her ears and room enough again in her lungs to breathe, she does…she chooses to stay, she chooses to let herself be broken and be loved because the world is not meant to be endured alone.

Kara’s voice is soft, the words barely reaching across the distance of the room even as she turns around.

“It was so quiet.”

And she knows Lena can hear them.

“Krypton was exploding around me, but there was nothing but silence.”

But she can only hope that she knows what they mean.

“The silence was the worst part.”

What promise they contain.

“I relived my last moments there…I had to feel what it is was to lose them all again.”

Kara closes her eyes and listens to the sounds of the world around them bleeding into Lena’s apartment, reminding her she is not there, that she is not alone.

“I lost everyone I ever knew, everyone I ever loved all over again, but there is nothing I could do. And I always try to save them, but it is never enough, I am never enough. I lose them over and over again.”

She pauses, needing to make sure Lena understands.

“It was never about not trusting you, it was never about not thinking you deserved to know. I couldn’t stand the thought that you would become one more person I couldn’t save.”

The words fade into the quiet that follows them, and Kara searches Lena’s eyes for the slightest sign of anything, anger, pain, forgiveness. But she seems so far away, maybe even farther than before, stuck inside herself with a memory she wished she could forget.

And Kara wants to hold her, wants to tell her that like her own nightmares it isn’t real. But as she steps forward, Lena steps back.

“I watched you die.”

Kara’s chest tightens, unexpecting of both the sudden sound of Lena’s voice and the words themselves.

“You died trying to save me. You died protecting me. You died with me holding the gun.”

Her voice broke with a heavy sadness, but she did not stop.

“You died, and every time you did, I felt the same hate that drove Lex to madness. And I tried to forget it. I tried to forget the feeling of your blood on my hands and the hate that had felt so all-consuming. But I couldn’t. That is why I need to see him. I need to look him in the eye and know that I am not him. I will not let myself be the reason I lose you.”

Kara felt her eyes burning once more with unshed tears and the realization that both their hearts bore the same scars. And she knew then that what Lena needed from her was more than a confession because Kara had survived the darkness, but a part of Lena still remained there waiting to be saved.

Kara steps forward again, and this time Lena lets the distance between them close.

“You are not him Lena. You never could be.”

And then she reaches for Lena’s hand, her thumb circling gently over the spot on her wrist where her pulse beats underneath as the other rests against the curve of her jaw drawing them together.

"But If you need to see who you are, you don’t have to look into his eyes. You can look into mine, and you can see how fiercely you are loved.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more? An fluffy epilogue of sorts to close it out? I feel like I owe it to you guys as a big thank you for all your support, but let me know what you think.


	9. what dreams may come

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love, like fear, is an artifact of faith.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest thing I've ever posted and it took some getting lost along the way to finally find the end, but here it is.
> 
> edit...I accidentally posted a wrong paragraph at the end, but it's fixed now.

_"But If you need to see who you are, you don’t have to look into his eyes. You can look into mine, and you can see how fiercely you are loved.”_

\---- ---- ---- 

Lena follows the want of Kara’s words seeing reflected back in her blue eyes a rush of memories, the images reaching across the decades of pain and loss to recede into her past and summon up that innocent girl she once was — who had felt whole, who had felt safe — and at that moment Lena is overcome with the need to feel these things again in Kara’s arms even as her voice promises them aloud. 

"I've got you."

And Lena closes her eyes and holds onto Kara like she is waiting for the heart beneath her fingers to go still again like if she lets go, she will hear the door shut and she won’t be there anymore. But Kara is still there. Her heart is still beating, and Lena lets herself feel the safety and warmth of the world as it exists at that moment with Kara finally close to her again. Because they have both suffered so much and she needed to believe that they didn’t have to anymore, that they could have this moment and all the others after it too. 

"Don't let go."

Her fingers find the front of Kara’s shirt, twisting the material, wrapping herself in Kara completely when her gentle voice whispers in Lena's ear reminding her of a sound long forgotten, of the last song her mother sang to her, reminding her of home. 

"I'm here."

She looks into Kara’s eyes again, so full of hope and promise, and she realizes that she has never so desperately wanted to let herself be loved. But god, if only she could find the words, If only she could tell Kara that holding her like this was sweet and gentle in the way she always thought it would be. If only she could tell Kara, she loved her because there had already been enough silence between them. 

But loving Kara is another secret she has kept. And like all the others, the fear of loving someone so wholly had already been there, been there for so long, that the thought of it now, and the slow pain with which it filled her heart, was too familiar to simply forget. It would take time and patience and care, and all the things Lena knew Kara could give her. But for now, it was enough to admit that she needed her. And there was an honesty to needing Kara that was different than the honesty of words because long before she will be able to tell Kara, she loves her, she will be able to show her that she needs her. 

\---- ---- ---- ---- 

"Don't let go."

Kara lets Lena's arms guide her so that their bodies are pulled close together, her head resting against the hollow of Lena's shoulder. And with Lena in her arms, Kara feels for the first time what it is not to keep a part of herself hidden. To let herself be vulnerable in a way she cannot be with anyone else. And she feels so exposed that it feels so much like panic, but the sound of Lena's heartbeat and the gentle motion of her breathing calms her and reminds her she is safe, and loved, and whole.

"I'm here."

Kara feels Lena's weight shift against her as warm tears hit her skin, but neither of them let go, and eventually Lena's quiet voice finds its way to her, whispering "I need you" with such simple truth that all the things she had hidden behind, and all the reasons she told herself they could never love each other, shattered on the ground with the weight of something finally let go. And Kara is not sure she has ever believed in any other words as much or that she ever will, and she wants Lena to understand she knows how much they mean and how much courage they took, so she says them back. 

"I need you too."

And the words are no less true and mean just as much because Kara has loved many people in her life, but there are few she could not live without and even fewer, that if they were gone, would be irreplaceable.

\---- ---- ---- ---- 

Eventually, they pull apart, but they do not let go, their hands held together as they make there way down the hall to Lena's room in the silent understanding that neither of them wants to be alone tonight. 

Kara stands back as Lena puts away the abandoned suitcase and clothes, a distant look in her eyes as she tries not to think about what could have happened if she had been too late. Lena gives a gentle pull on Kara's hand moving them toward each other once again. Kara looks at her, unsure for a moment, but then tentatively reaches up to remove her glasses. Lena watches as Kara pulls them away, folding them carefully as her fingers smooth over the surface of the lens as if unsure of them. Lena gently takes them from her, her hand stilling on Kara's just long enough to reassure her before setting them on the nightstand. The simple gesture feeling like an acceptance of the truth they both now share. 

Lena walks over to her dresser then, stepping out of her pants and easing the blouse over her head replacing it with a worn cotton sweatshirt, the hem of it reaching just above her knees and its sleeves just a bit too long. 

When she turns back around Kara is already sitting on the bed, her clothes removed and folded neatly leaving her in a white tank top and grey boy shorts. Lena moves over to the bed, pulling the covers back as they both settle under them. She lies on her back and feels Kara's hands settle around her waist as her head rests on Lena's chest and she places a gentle kiss over her heart. Lena’s own hands linger for a moment, unsure of their place, but soon they find their way around Kara's shoulders as her lips press subtly against her forehead in return. 

The whole moment feels fragile as if it is made of glass, vulnerable to breaking at the slightest pressure. And the fear still exists. That Kara cannot save her, that Lena cannot protect her, that by loving each other they will always be risking losing each other. But if there is a more beautiful tragedy in the world than this, they do not know it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot even begin to thank you all enough for all the support you have given me and these fics. It means so much to hear from you guys! 
> 
> I am still working on adding to my current fic “Truths”, but feel free to hit me with suggestions for another season 3 AU, or anything really.


End file.
